Anonymous Web Poster Threatens Life of Online Ad Application Developer

NEW YORK, April 16 -- A Web-based writer has used his "blog" site to threaten a life of an online search-and-advertising application developer, whom the writer claims "totally buggered" his Web browser. The writer, who sources say is a man in his early-to-mid-30s, posted an article accusing an as-yet-unidentified software developer of creating an "insidious piece of shit app" that, he said, replaced the default search functionality of his Web browser with a program that directs pop-up ads to his desktop and provides unwanted search results alongside legitimate results.

"Whoever did this is the spawn of Satan and deserves to die slowly and with great, searing pain," the man wrote. "He or she is a disgusting, gelatinous pod of useless tissue that should be crushed under foot." The man went on to write that the developer and the "fucknuts that employ him or her" should "have a cardboard box full of broken glass dropped on his or her head from pretty high up."

The man claims that all of his attempts to disable the application and to restore the default settings on his browser, including uninstalling the errant program; replacing it with a different search application, "Google Toolbar;" and e-mailing the company that created the application for help, have failed.

"I'll kill 'em, I swear it," the man wrote. "They will forever rue the day they fucked with my shit. I will go completely cock-a-hoop on their asses, I mean it."

Sources said they were unaware of what "cock-a-hoop" meant, but local authorities said they would meet such actions with swift reaction, including arrest.

"If 'cock-a-hoop' turns out to be some kind of crime, he'll get his in the form of a can of good 'ol po-lice ass whoopin' opened up on his city-slicking ass," said a local police officer who, in between sips from a highball glass of whiskey, asked to remain anonymous.

Slide, Slide, Everywhere a Slide...



Ever wonder what happens to the mounds and mounds of discarded photographic slides New Yorkers throw away each year? No? Then go eat a bowl of fuck. Oh, you do? Then visit Lost and Frowned's Found Slide Foundation. You may see someone you know being skewered by the wiseasses at LaF. Serves those subjects right for having part of their souls stolen by some ham-handed photographic artiste.

Priorities, Priorities

From AOL's AIM.com:

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How Will Bill Be Killed?

LasagnaFarm's sources in Hollywood have revealed several revenge scenarios that may be used by "The Bride" (aka, Uma Thurman) against "Bill" (David Carradine) in the latest installment (Vol. 2) of Quentin Tarrentino's "Kill Bill" series. We don't know which of the following will be that used in the actual film, but we know that, unlike "Clue" with Martin Mull, there's only one. Of course, the movie's out now, so you could just go see for yourself. Nah.

1.) She slips him a super-high dose of erectile disfunction medication and watches as he electroutes himself trying to have sex with a bubble jet printer.

2.) She forces him to listen to all of the AM Gold CDs, consecutively, and he dies of natural causes during the 1974 collection, right between "Billy Don't Be a Hero" and "The Night Chicago Died."

3.) She introduces him to Harvey Weinstein, who utters the last words Bill will hear: "Did I not fucking ask for a deli tray?" Then he crushes Bill's face with his bare hands and eats him.

4.) After disorienting Bill with a speech about why the original Burger King character was actually a proxy-concept for sexual domination, she pelts him with blood-filled balloons until he chokes to death.

5.) Bill becomes so exasperated trying to disentangle the labyrinthine storyline of "Kill Bill, Vol. 1" that he commits hiri kiri with her samurai sword.

Welcome to My Inbox

Deep in Canada's barren North, lives an animal scientists believe to
be the most prolific lover in the entire animal kingdom. During the
Fall rutting season, the male Wapiti Elk (cervus elaphus) amasses
a hormonal structure that allows him to experience multiple sexual
orgasms within three minutes apart - and up to 20 times per day!

Read More...

Pardon me for spoiling the ending, but it's CRUSHED DEER ANTLERS.

Wait, rutting season? I think I went to one of those in Daytona. It's not pretty.

Slanted and Implanted

Somewhere, beyond the fourth ring of the LasagnaFarm closet, behind the feed-store hats and Northsix ticket stubs; behind the Eleventh Dream Day CDs and ratty wool sweaters; behind the black jeans, Overkill t-shirts, Pontiac keys, and souvenir test tubes from spring break 1989; there is a small orb that projects its silvery light outward like a submerged beacon, a flashlight under the covers, a conductor's lantern in the Dublin mist. That is, our love for Jersey Girls.

Don't forget to check out today's Gothamist Interview. A bucket of Reingolds, stat.

What We Do Not Have to Worry About

With bad news relentlessly leading the 24-hour news cycle, one would assume there are far more issues to worry about than not to. In an attempt to turn turtle on this assumption, LasagnaFarm’s crack-whore investigative team launched an investigation to find out exactly what it is we do not have to worry about. Warning: The team’s findings may not protect our most ungainly readers from accidental dismemberment, and may be fatal to those whose Constitution points are in the low 5s.


This year, more people will die in laundry-related accidents than will choke to death on compact disks.

Free-range salmon will never suck the oxygen from the mouths of sleeping infants, killing them.

While falling debris may kill a small number of pedestrians each year, no one will be killed this year by falling upward and slamming into a Thanksgiving Day parade float.

Feng Shui does not cause colo-rectal cancer.

Although the odds of an average person being killed in an auto accident are nearly 300 to one, there is virtually no chance of their being the patsy in a broad-based conspiracy to kill President Kennedy in 1963.

Butter pecan ice cream is not the leading cause of divorce, nor is it in the top 20.

Even if Kurt Vonnegut were to drop an ice cube down one’s shirt, that act alone could not cause a catastrophic collapse of internal organ function, resulting in death.

While, in recent years, several women have sustained injuries while fighting over deep-discounted wedding dresses, no one has ever been injured buying a calendar in February at 75% off.

There are millions of disease-carrying rats living in the NY subway system, but no carnivorous albino lizards that use the backlights of iPods to spot their prey.

Pope to Courtney: Let's Roll

The Papal father chimes in on how to combat terrorism. Hint: Forget the FBI, CIA, and MI6. Call in the "big guns."