What We Do Not Have to Worry About

With bad news relentlessly leading the 24-hour news cycle, one would assume there are far more issues to worry about than not to. In an attempt to turn turtle on this assumption, LasagnaFarm’s crack-whore investigative team launched an investigation to find out exactly what it is we do not have to worry about. Warning: The team’s findings may not protect our most ungainly readers from accidental dismemberment, and may be fatal to those whose Constitution points are in the low 5s.


This year, more people will die in laundry-related accidents than will choke to death on compact disks.

Free-range salmon will never suck the oxygen from the mouths of sleeping infants, killing them.

While falling debris may kill a small number of pedestrians each year, no one will be killed this year by falling upward and slamming into a Thanksgiving Day parade float.

Feng Shui does not cause colo-rectal cancer.

Although the odds of an average person being killed in an auto accident are nearly 300 to one, there is virtually no chance of their being the patsy in a broad-based conspiracy to kill President Kennedy in 1963.

Butter pecan ice cream is not the leading cause of divorce, nor is it in the top 20.

Even if Kurt Vonnegut were to drop an ice cube down one’s shirt, that act alone could not cause a catastrophic collapse of internal organ function, resulting in death.

While, in recent years, several women have sustained injuries while fighting over deep-discounted wedding dresses, no one has ever been injured buying a calendar in February at 75% off.

There are millions of disease-carrying rats living in the NY subway system, but no carnivorous albino lizards that use the backlights of iPods to spot their prey.