Saturday, February 07, 2004

When Ryan McGinley strode boldly into the Secaucus DMV he very nearly collapsed from an orgasmic shake that ran the length of his wiry frame. "Mon dieu," he exclaimed to Ellen, the pant-suit-wearing mother of four who was manning the desk on this chilly Saturday morning. Outside the window, a four-lane ushered commuters hither and yon. But the white noise could not distract McGinley now that he had entered his nirvana.

"Sir, please refrain from swearing. This is a city office."

Impressed by Ellen's command of foreign languages, McGinley quelled another vibrant shake that was beginning in his toes. "I apologize. But this lighting, it makes . . . starts of all who pass beneath it. It washes over the skin," and hear he leaned in closer to Ellen's face to celebrate her wan look, "and shows the pores and grease like no other." He took off his shoes and spun a 360, letting his feet absorb the dirt from the industrial carpeting. His eye fell on the mounted camera on the other side of the room. He fell to his knees and held out his hands toward the machine. "Please, tell me, Ellen, before I must call for medical help: Are there more secrets you are keeping from me. I have dreamt . . . it looks just like the camera from my dreams."

Ellen took the weakened McGinley by the arm, and helped to sit him on a stool. In her perfected motherly voice, she asked him if he would like a glass of water. "No, my queen. All I need is this. I will never leave the DMV. It can feel it consume me already."

Ellen wanted to tell him about the children -- well, they were children to her: the 16-year-old boys and girls, their hormone-ravaged skin and bad clothes, their eyes that made them look like they'd been crying all morning; their skinny torsos that hid their pained hearts and swollen lungs. But McGinley's prostrate form scared her. She was worried for his health and feared that any excitement might push him a step toward death.

Instead, Ellen offered him the last crueler from the dozen she had brought in that morning to munch on throughout the day and helped McGinley up from the floor.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Timeline of Notable Changes in Corporate Policy Resulting from Janet Jackson Breast Incident

Day 1: CBS executives apologize for the incident, blaming MTV, Janet Jackson, and Justin Timberlake for changing the half-time show’s theme from the CBS-sanctioned “A Salute to Victorian-era Corsetry” to “a kind of mischief only Satan himself could abide.”

Day 2: The FCC returns to its 1934 position on nudity: that seeing people naked causes lunacy in men and blind, shrieking hysteria in women. Exorcisms are encouraged to rid the airwaves of evil.

Day 3: Hooters fires waitresses and replaces them with out-of-work investment banking executives. Women must wear burqas, though men can continue wearing their Hickey Freeman suits.

Day 4: The Owen Wilson movie, “The Big Bounce” renamed, “The Noteworthy Repercussion.” Russ Meyer is hung in effigy.

Day 5: The Purdue company begins using the term “chicken thoraxes” to describe its white-meat portions. Udders are removed from illustrations in the children’s book “The Cow That Went Oink,” and replaced with cans of condensed milk. Farmers use can openers for milking.

Day 6: Victoria’s Secret stores from Maine to California are set aflame by torch-wielding mobs. Tyra Banks is hung in effigy. A woman is stabbed to death for showing her sprained ankle to an EMS worker.

Day 7: The Apocalypse. CBS’s ratings go through the roof when the rivers run with blood. Dan Rather is killed and eaten by locusts. Breasts rain from the sky instead of frogs.

Interview with a Guy at the Deli

LF: So, are you guys Turkish?

GaD: No, we are Armenian

(awkward silence)

GaD: Don't worry, that was a long time ago.

LF: What was?

(awkward silence)

In Response to the Freaky Russian Spam E-Mail Message We Received

No, Sergei, we are in no manner of need for a device that will improve the efficacy of our prodigious genitalia. Concerning our genitalia, we feel prodigiousness is its own reward.

However, we do take exception to your use of the term “efficacy” as a stated benefit of your air-pump product. Our genitalia indeed has “the power to produce an effect,” which is the customary definition of efficacy. Are you suggesting your product will augment the power, or the effect of our genitalia? Your position is unclear as written.

Moreover, it is our opinion that efficacy, as an objective characteristic, be reserved for inanimate constructs, such as antibiotics, psychotherapy, nuclear warheads, and advertising campaigns. Our genitalia, while considered by some to have a “mind of its own,” is nonetheless in anatomical union with the rest of us. Perhaps you had in mind the words “effectiveness” or “efficiency”? For the sake of elucidation, we’ll grant that our genitalia is currently both effective, insomuch as it performs as intended, under generally accepted standards of quality, and efficient, in that its design and construction are matched elegantly to its requirements.

As consumers in an established free-market society, we all benefit from a wide range of competing products and services. Your penis pump is certainly no exception to the above. Nonetheless, I must decline your offer.

Sincerely,

LasagnaFarm

Monday, February 02, 2004

Super Bowl Embarassments in History

Although Janet Jackson's half-time-show breast bearing was an embarassment to CBS, few remember that the Super Bowl is often the scene of embarassing incidents broadcast to the largest TV audience of the year. Here are a few of the seldom-remembered ones.

Super Bowl IV: Erect nipple of Carol Channing visible for 1/500 of a second, when her sequined waistcoat flaps open during live half-time spectacular. Six CBS executives are executed by lethal injection after an inquest by Nixon administration.

Super Bowl VI: Miami Dolphins head coach Don Shula fined $2,500 after an on-air microphone picks up Shula referring to Dallas Cowboys head coach, Tom Landry, as a “stump-pulling redneck.” Landry is later quoted as saying he’d expect such behavior from a “greasy, mustache-curling wop, who, sure as shit has ‘tried all the rest and now tried the best,’ and the best are the Dallas fucking Cowboys.” Landry is not fined. Judge orders CBS executives to undergo sensitivity training, consisting of repeated beatings and being forced to watch consecutive episodes of “Maude” with the sound off.

Super Bowl XIII: Dallas defensive end, Ed "Too Tall" Jones re-nicknamed “Tent Pole” when an obvious erection is visible through his football knickers during a live airing of post-game festivities in the Dallas Cowboys’ locker room. Dallas quarterback, Roger Staubach, adds insult to injury when he remarks on camera, “Ed, is that the game ball in your pants or are you just happy to see me?” CBS executives are applauded for encouraging positive minority stereotypes.

Super Bowl XXVII: "The Lay's Super Bowl XXVII Halftime Show: Heal the World," starring Michael Jackson and 3,500 local children, continues uninterrupted after actress Marlee Matlin, interpreting the show in sign language, accidentally signs, “Lets fondle all these kids in the ear” instead of “Lets hear it for the kids.” The next day, thousands of deaf activists storm Jackson’s Neverland ranch in protest, although no one on the scene can figure out what they’re doing and why.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Shameless Bid for Humor Without Trying Too Hard

Here are some search terms LF.com visitors have used to get here. Check out the last one: I'm not sure if the person was looking for some kind of penile (or rooster) chapeau or whether it's street slang for a condom -- a take on "jimmy hat." Of course, it could refer to a contest of size or, possibly, skill. En garde!

#reqs: search term
-----: -----------
17: paris hilton
2: flashyourrack.com
1: pictures of conde nast building
1: paris hilton -hotel
1: 75 dodge dart
1: im blockers
1: vatican 2 electric boogaloo
1: deduct ipod tax
1: pellet hand guns that can go more than 600 feet per second
1: gary coleman buddy icon
1: young manhattanite dodge dart
1: cock derbies