INTERVIEW WITH A YOUNG MANHATTANITE WHO RECENTLY PURCHASED A GLORIFIED BB GUN WHILE VACATIONING IN THE CATSKILLS
Q. We hear you recently bought yourself a Crosman Model 795 Springmaster .177 caliber spring air pellet rifle. What reason could you possibly have for doing such a thing?
A. Peace of mind. Protection. Impotence. Just to name a few. The heart of the matter is that I keep many friends, mainly females, at my upstate compound and their safety is endangered by bears and other mountain predators, threats that are only exceeded by my inebriated behavior. I obviously can't stop myself from drinking a 30-pack of Coors Light but I will do my best to blind these claw-swiping garbage-looters if I can fire off rounds with speed and precision not seen since Oswald and his CIA-organized team of Canadian anti-Semites killed Kennedy.
Also, my parents were visiting and the gun purchase was made on Day 2 amid schizophrenic thunderstorms after watching my dad try to cut the grass with scissors while mom was complaining about the Kobe Bryant trial coverage on cable. Something had to give.
Q. Is that a powerful weapon? Sounds to me like a glorified BB gun.
A. Have you ever met the business end of a pointed-dome pellet traveling at over 600 feet per second? This is serious skin-breaking force that would make a skate ramp mishap feel like a thigh massage. "BB gun" conjures images of your hellion neighbors shooting out the storm windows to your parents’ bedroom. Make no mistake, the Crosman Model 795 Springmaster .177 caliber spring air pellet rifle is not your older brother's Daisy air-pump.
Q. What types of things have you shot at?
A. I am sharpening my accuracy skills on a wide range of metal and plastic products. From Budweiser to Sierra Mist, no beverage is safe from my crosshairs. I am proud to say I can hit the broad side of a '75 Dodge Dart from 25 feet leaving it more dinged than a parallel parking attempt in Manhattan.
Q. Do you think the Catskills, after being written up in
New York magazine as "an A-list destination for New Yorkers who've had their fill of the L.I.E. [read: Hamptons]" is the best place to be wielding such a weapon?
A. As a steward of hinterlands blessed with "true freedom," I would expect the thrill of killing your prey before eating it for dinner to be lost on lobster roll diners in Sag Harbor. Foie gras cannot truly be savored until you're able to remember fondly the smell of dead geese, shot and then beaten with a wood club, from that morning's hunt. (Well, it also tastes great when you're totally coked out at L'Absinthe but I think that's a different interview.)
Q. But, as a young Manhattanite, your main domain, at least for most of the year, is wilderness of the taxicab and smoothie-shop variety. Reconcile please.
A. I am completing the transformation from five-borough to Marlboro man. I'm the “Straight Guy with a Bullseye.” I can feel the layers of city-borne neuroses peel away with each pellet-seared beer can. Discharging such arms is illegal in NYC so when the summer hunting season comes to an end it will mount nicely on the headboard of my bed.
Q. Might you shoot your eye out?
A. Unlikely, since my dad was with me when I got the gun and he made me buy yellow-tinted safety glasses too. I kinda look like Roy Scheider with them on.
Q. The literature accompanying Crosman's pellet rifles reads, "Before using any air gun you must have full knowledge of all safety rules." Do you have full knowledge of such rules?
A. Of course. Gun ownership and usage is heavily weighted with responsibility and regulation. Sure, the law mandating a seven-minute waiting period to buy a pellet gun annoyed me, but I fully understand its purpose and intent. Furthermore, everyone who uses my gun must make the following safety pledge to me: "I promise not to point the gun at you."
Q. Do you subscribe to
Soldier of Fortune magazine?
A. While I do enjoy their use of phrases like "attaboy" and "good on 'em" I had to cancel my subscription due to the abundance of Big Buck Hunter video game ads and lack of Olsen twins profiles.
Q. Please estimate how long it will be before you grow
tired of shooting empty beer cans?
A. I hesitate to dignify such a loaded question but since I shoot from the hip with a goofy-foot stance let me assure you that my Hestonian devotion to 2nd Amendment culture lies in the simple fact that "you can have my pellet gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands." Or if you just ask nicely.
