Look at Me, I'm Jessica Simpson

Now you try.

What th' ...

I sneak across the pond for a mere 11 days, and what in the most Les Paul Junior of Christs happens? It appears some drunk roadie flipped the earth's polarization switch. (Too much feedback from those Marshall stacks? Thats what you get from using single-coil pickups.) Mama Weer All Krazee Krucoff working the board at Gawker; Kid Dig It reunited with the Farm for a six-fingered solo ala Carlos Cavazo, and, er, Tony Randall's dead. (Cum on, the jetlagged can stretch a metaphor only so far.)

A Hiku to Tony Randall

Tony Randall, who
Barbara said eyed me up, and
I: odd couple, no?

The Motherland: A Travelogue

Italy is a magical land, resplendent with mythical characters such as the Kappa Sport Hoodie; the Very Heavy German Fucking Tourist Who Just Stepped on My Goddamn Foot; and the stunningly lovely Alitalia Stewardess Si, Bellina, Un Altro Cafe Per Favore, Raaarow. The country had a rich and storied history, culminating with a game of musical chairs in which everyone sat down in 1898. Those left standing fled to America clad in oddly tilted caps and pants pulled up to their armpits. (You already know how that story ends.) All those remaining were dubbed "Italians" and forced by several iterations of government to work as little as possible, drink tiny cups of strong coffee, and take lunch breaks lasting only slightly longer than Napoleon's march into Russia and back.

The recent Online Only section of the New Yorker's site is a Q&A with a scientist searching for the elusive Giant Squid. Reading it, I couldn't help but notice the similarities between this creature of the deep and another slimy elusive beast: the media.
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FACT: No scientist ever has [seen the giant squid], which is why so little is known about its existence, but seamen have certainly come across giant squid.
FACT: Seamen have claimed to see Kevin Spacey wandering the dark piers of far western Manhattan.
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FACT: The amazing thing about the sea is that it is perhaps the last truly unexplored frontier.
FACT: Thank God, but thinking is finally on the way out for good. Now bring me the family scrapbook of my dear, dear loved ones. Oh, Bennifer, how I miss you so much.
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FACT: Others, though, believe that it lives up to its ferocious reputation; for centuries, seamen have told stories of being attacked by giant squid.
FACT: Felix Denis ate the staff of his first magazine. (Okay, unsubstantiated, but I did personally witness him once devour a live Holstein and a '75 El Camino.)
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FACT: [S]quid scientists speculate that the giant squid . . . may live only about three years and grow extremely fast.
FACT: Heh, heh, and soon to be heh.
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FACT: [The giant squid] is huge, it has tentacles, it has big eyes, and it is absolutely frightening-looking.
FACT: Holy shit.