Style Network Cattle Call: When Reality Bites



The Style Network is trolling for hoards of the dignity-disadvantaged to appear on several of its reality-based programs. Take your pick from "Style Court," "How Do I Look," "Guess Who's Coming to Decorate," and "Clean House," as well as as-yet-in-production shows such as, "Where Did I Leave My F****** Car Keys," "Get a Load of The Shitty Stuff Fat Midwesterners Own," and "S&M Dungeons on a Shoestring." Get on it, people!

Local Man Sick of People Telling Him How Much He Looks Like John Stevens from "American Idol"



NEW YORK, April 29 -- At least one person is pleased with the outcome of last night's "American Idol" broadcast. That person is a local man, 47, who says now people will stop saying how much he looks like former contestant John Stevens, 16, who was voted off the show yesterday.

"I don't think I could take one more week of that squirrel not being voted off," the man said.

NASA May Consider Thwarting "200 Mile-High Club" With Drug Regimen



Perhaps the agency should also consider renaming the Johnson Space Center.

From The Independent

Suburban Office Park Etiquette Tip #1

When entering your office park's parking area, turn down the volume on the Dead Kennedys' "Too Drunk to Fuck" playing on your car stereo. You'll have less explaining to do in the elevator, as you ride up with the group of fiftysomething senior vice presidents you almost ran over.

editor's note: Jello Biafra is probably almost fifty, but no office park can contain him.

Teaser Lines From Every Virus-Bearing E-mail Message LasagnaFarm Received in the Past Week, Arranged in Narrative Form

Here, the introduction. I found this document about you. Read it immediately. Something is going wrong. Is that your document? You are bad. You are a bad writer. This file is bad! (See the attached file for details.) Your important document, correction is finished! Anyway, here’s the thing. Here is your photo. I can see the family resemblance. You are the one in the back, right? You cannot hide. Call me immediately. This is the end.

Song Title Changes in Billy Joel's Back Catalog, In Light of His Recent Accident on Long Island

New York State Department of Transportation of Mind

Scenes from an Italian/Jew Driving a French Car into a Colonial House

We Didn't Start The Fire, But Did Take out a Row of Hedges

She's Got the Right of Way

Movin' In (Hydroplaning Citroen's Song)

Tell Her About It (The Insurance Agent’s Song)

Say Goodbye to Bayville Avenue, Say Hello to Someone’s Living Room

Watch Out for the Piano, Man!

Don't Ask Me Why, I Wasn’t Even Drinking

She’s Always a Woman, Luckily She Wasn’t Home