Comment a marche, le site de vulgarisation informatique! Nouveau!

In response to the hundreds of e-mail messages sent to us from rabid LF fans we have initiated a comment system, effective immediately, as well as a round of rabies shots. (Ok, ok. No one asked, no one e-mailed, and no one is actually reading this post. Someone come over and help me get my head out of the oven. On second thought, forget it.) Nonetheless, like the proverbial Robert, we must have some rules of order! Not because we want you to bow to our authority, but because, well yeah, what I said before. Here are the rules for commenting on LasagnaFarm posts:

1.) No Dutch. One look at that wack-ass language in action, and I get twitcher than a Japanese third grader in the throes of a Pokemon-induced petit-mal seizure. Too many k's and o's. And no Swedish (see above).

2.) Each comment must make reference to the following: A pre-1980 Foghat album, a brand of dental floss, a card game, a kind of liquor, a TV show with Grant Goodeve in the cast, a rock opera, a use for PVC tubing, and any Fla-vor-Ice flavor, except grape.

3.) Leave the last "S" off for savings. (Way to reach for the low-hanging comedy fruit. - ed.)

4.) Do not use your real name. Doing so will result in several hours of us Googling you, followed by an evening of crank calls to your house and hundreds of magazine subscription cards filled out with your address and the "bill me later" box checked.

5.) No flirting with the writers. Ok, yes flirting.

6.) Comments should be viewed as presents from the reader to LasagnaFarm. Flattery, sycophancy, bon bons, and other such good wishes will be read with aplomb and passed around more than Tara Reid at the premiere after-party for "Van Wilder."

Jokes We Thought Sounded Funnier When We Were Stoned, One Day 10 Years Ago

1.) Failed Chuck Norris Horror Movie
- Walker, Texas Chain Saw Massacre

2.) Failed Chuck Norris Exersize Equipment
- Walker, Texas Thighmaster

3.) Failed Chuck Norris Game Show
- Walker, Texas Win, Lose or Draw

4.) Failed Chuck Norris Government Agency
- Walker, Texas Department of Protective and Regulatory Services

5.) Failed Chuck Norris TV Show
- Walker, Texas Advertising Executive Whose Wife is a Witch Who Wiggles Her Nose to Cast Spells, Then He Leaves the Show and Is Replaced by Another Gay Actor With The Same First Name

6.) Failed Chuck Norris Snacks
Walker, Texas Dude Wasn't There Another Bag of Funyuns, or Did We Kill Them Both?

Big Brother or Big Bother?

Internet conspiracy theorists from 134.976.123.34 all the way to 243.353.193.57 (you didn't know we did IP humor, did you?) are all looking to the US Government for answers regarding the apparent microwave-induced explosiveness of the new US $20 bill. The investigative team at LasagnaFarm has snooped, poked and admired nude photos of a youngish Gina Gershon, and found that the early fears of many Net theorists are unfounded.

The US government is not using an RFID chip implanted under Thomas Jefferson's right eye to track the whereabouts of every bill and its bearer, as deduced by many theorists. Rather, the bills in question actually contain a microscopic speaker embedded between paper layers, from which eminates an ear-piercing scream that can be heard only by the blind. The Farm uncovered this initiative, launched by the US Department of the Treasury as an attempt to prevent the blind from being unknowingly swindled by unscrupulous shopkeepers, ATM misfires, and three-card-monty ringleaders.

"Members of the blind community have remarkably acute hearing," a Department report noted. "The sound will give them the piece of mind to spend their money, hard-earned from selling pencils and whatnot, without fear of being hoodwinked." Several blind citizens have complained about the racket, saying it is "driving them fucking batshit" and they are calling on the government to "knock it the fuck off."