TV Show Report – The Grammy Awards
by Tom, recently released after 10 years under court-ordered “observation”
How come no one told me about this “Grammies” program? Has it been on before? I must have missed it. I watch lots and lots of TV, but mostly “The King of Queens” reruns; the wife reminds me of this girl that I knew in 3rd grade who used to kick me in the shins and call me “squeaker” – my mom said it was because she liked me, so I tried to kiss her and she kneed me in the nuts (the girl, not my mom). But about the Grammies: They say there are 46 of them. Is that true? Where do they keep them?
It was an interesting TV program. First, this little boy in a purple suit came out with a guitar shaped like an ampersand and sang a song about the rain changing colors. Then, a pretty girl came out and started jumping around and they sang about going crazy. It was exciting, but all the trombones threw me into a panic. (Trombones scare me, as a rule. They’re like speeding trucks coming at you. And the people playing them act all jerky like they’re angry at you.) I had to turn the channel for a few minutes to clear my head.
When I turned back, Ellen DeGeneres, the lesbian TV show lady, came out and started talking really fast and people were laughing, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Someone must have realized she was high on drugs or something because she disappeared and never came back. Poor Ellen. She seems nice. I hope, like me, she gets the help she needs.
Then, the people on stage called someone named Andre over the PA system because he won something, but he got lost on the way up to get his reward. Everyone was looking for him, all the camera people, and the stage people and everyone. I think they called the police and the FBI and CSI and some other smart investigators, because then they found him, and he was so tired after being all lost that all he could say was “thank you.”
After that some guys played a song by the rock group Beatles. Although the guys looked like they knew what they were doing, I think someone forgot to give them the sheet music. I left to find something to eat. I put on some soup, but fell asleep while it was cooking. I woke up to people pounding on the door, and I realized that the soup caught on fire and the firemen were at the door wanting to come in. I said “just a minute” and put out the fire, and then I let them in. The firemen gave me some pointers on how to not start a fire on the stove and they left.
When I turned the Grammies back on, the stage was filled with people who were chanting something about turning out someone’s mother, which is not a real nice thing to do. It looked like the entire cast of the movie “The Warriors” was on stage, all singing different songs. Some were singing really high, and some really low, and others were just talking into the microphones. The music was going really fast, and I couldn’t tell what was happening. One older guy, about 75, was dressed up like Ethel Merman in “Gypsy” and was stomping around ordering people to do what he said, like showing him their hands.
Then I noticed all the trombones, 10 times as many as before. A whole damn army of trombones, honking and honking and the players were jerking back and forth like they were really, really mad. I started shaking, and dropped the remote in the burned soup and got really freaked out and was shaking and shaking until I fished out the remote, which was covered in burnt soup sludge, and finally got the TV shut off.
Well, that did it for me. I sat there for a while, trying to think about the place Dr. Kaplan said to go when things like the trombones make me start to get a little fritzy: the park with the swings and the slide and my mom and peanut butter and the girl who kneed me in the nuts and the station wagon that me and my brother Jeff used to go to Friendly’s in. After a few minutes I was ok again.
Even though I didn’t finish watching the Grammies, I want to say that it was a pretty good show and I’m glad people won lots of gold horns and things. Thank you.
Tom
