I See Pollacks

For the last damn time, people, Neal Pollack is real. Just because you may not have seen him in person because you live in a flyover state where the shushing sounds of wheat fields have lulled you into a stupor doesn't prove anything. Sheesh, remember your Logic 101 classes and open your eyes. And simple because something is not direcetly in front of them, doesn't mean it ain't there.We know. This guy interviewed him.

The mysteries of Lasagnafarm are many, my child. Let me begin here. . .

There are at least three of us, and an occasional fourth who lives underground and submits postings by leaving rambling voice mail messages from a public phone near the Bayonne Bridge. He's the funny one. The rest of us are bureaucrats who wouldn't know comedy from a box of Tuna Helper. The Young Manhattanite is an amalgam of several people and a quart of fortified wine from the Three Brothers liquor store in Bushwick. (S)he comes to us in a reverie, like the Virgin Mother on the wall of an abandoned bus shelter. We are helpless but to lie prone and weep.

We are full time, insomuch as it takes a full day of thankless office toil to inspire such a hodgepodge of unfocused rantings. But we hope, one day, to attract many promotional deals with corporate sponsors. I am envisioning a McDonald's "Indifferent Meal" and something called the "Nike Air Lasagna," with commercial spots in which Joe Pantoliano will try to lift his leg high enough to kick Shaquille O'Neal in the shins. My fingers are crossed. If you have any contacts at Fortune 500 companies, be sure to send them our way. We will send cookies in return. As far as comments go, we are far too insecure to handle public discourse. Maybe our group therapy sessions will one day bear fruit in this area.

Regards

Time Out, Time Out

Time Out's cover story this weeks is about as useful as learning Tuvan throat singing. It's delightful of them to have a list of rooftop gardens and aeries that no one can even go to. The clock at Grand Central? Someone's personal verdant roof forest? Next they should do a piece on "Great Art of NYC" and feature my collection of dogs playing poker and priceless (or $85 on eBay) Sip 'n Strip cocktail glasses, all of which I keep in my apartment, which has three locks so don't even try and come by unannounced.

Search Terms People Have Used to Find LasagnaFarm.com (Accidentally or on Purpose)

#reqs: search term
-----: -----------
1: scariest picture
1: straight perm buy
1: mary kate and ashley olson photos
1: local staten island sluts
1: mary kate olson
1: hilton sisters
1: lasagnafarm
1: potato pellet gun carbohydrate type
1: best lobster sandwich maine
1: star jones having gastric bypass
1: picture of juicy couture sweatsuit

Someone Mistakenly Sent LF.com This Cover Letter

Worldwide Pants, Inc.
c/o NBC
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112

David Letterman (I hope):

The Top 10 Reasons You Should Hire Me for the Production Assistant Position as Posted on HotJobs.com:

10. I am an Eagle Scout (BSA) (1997).

9. I am bilingual: Spanish and English.

8. I graduated from Emerson College with 3.8 GPA (2002); received Dean of School of Communications Scholarship freshman year.

7. I performed voice-over for books on tape for the blind and reading-challenged at Trail’s End Summer Camp (1995-6).

6. At Forever Memorable Productions, I videotaped weddings for Newton, MA, photographer Gilly Chestnut (1997-8). (Portfolio available upon request.)

5. I created and wrote a series of articles for New England Film.com on class clowns in John Hughes movies (subsequently not posted due to staff layoffs).

4. I performed administrative duties at a summer internship at WGBH, dubbing tapes, delivering tapes, watching dubbed tapes to make sure that there were not any technical errors (2000-2).

3. I am familiar with Adobe Premiere V6.0 and Final Cut Pro. Assisted in running native DV using the Matrox RT-2500 video card on a P4 2G platform. Enrolled in After Effects weekend course, developing motion paths, grafting a single footage layer onto multiple particles to create a multitude of images that spill and bounce, and use Render Queue to render several versions of the same composition more efficiently.

2. I am a script reader for Total Hooey and a Full Bottle of Gaffs, Blunders, & Boners Theater Company (2003-present).

1. I have had three jokes appear in Reader’s Digest: One in “Life in These United States” and two “Humor in a Uniform” sections.


Sincerely,
Thomas McAllister
12 Durham Lane
Durham, NH 03824

Finally, Eggers' wife gets some play.

I love the part where the article's author says, "Vida and Eggers aren't too far from being the current literary equivalent of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston." I don't hear enough people saying, "Dang, I sure wish I had Eggers' penmanship, as they do Pitt's abs or luscious hair.

We Saw GQ [Esquire?] Do This Once, and Figure We Could Do It Better. We Were Right.

High-Maintenance Women Vs. Low-Maintenance Women

High-maintenance women expect you to call first; low-maintenance women expect you to hang around till last call

High-maintenance women know which fork to eat with; low-maintenance women know takeout KFC comes with a spork

High-maintenance women know Anna Wintour is the mad scientist behind Vogue; low-maintenance women know Edgar Winter is the albino rocker behind "Frankenstein"

High-maintenance women juggle successful men; low-maintenance women can successfully juggle cans of Bud

High-maintenance women expect to be showered with gifts once a day; low-maintenance women expect you to shower once a day

High-maintenance women turn out for gala events dressed to the nines; low-maintenance women turn their eyelids inside out when they're blotto at 6s and 9s

High-maintenance women dream about a man like Ted Turner; low-maintenance women dream about midnight showings of "Turner and Hooch"

High-maintenance women try to see their name in the New York Times' "Wedding and Celebration" pages; low-maintenance women want to see their name on the chalk board for bar's the pool table

High-maintenance women want you to buy them a painting from an Upper East Side art gallery; low-maintenance women want you to win them the teddy bear from the Coney Island shooting gallery

High-maintenance women will order champagne and caviar; low-maintenance women will order from the drive-thru

High-maintenance women ride in Benz's and Jag's; low-maintenance women go on benders and jags

High-maintenance women spend weekends on the French Riviera ogling tycoons; low-maintenance women spend weekends at Yankee stadium heckling Mariano Rivera

Open Casting Call: Goin’ for Surgery?

Having surgery is traumatic for anyone, not least of all those craving media coverage. Of course, what better salve is there for the pain of gettin' cut open than a TV special based on it? Star Jones, for instance, may soon be the subject of a Barbara Walters program documenting Jones’ forthcoming gastric bypass surgery. LasagnaFarm, which strongly supports democracy in media, asks why such enjoyment should be limited to those already in the public eye? What about other, less roundly covered folks facing down the murky gaze of a somnolent sawbones ready to go to town on their internals? If you are scheduled to go under the knife and want your story told, contact us. Bunion excised? Gall bladder removed? Boil lanced? Carbuncle drained? Warts lasered? Heart transplanted? Infant birthed? Ingrown hair dug out? Tonsils snipped? Vas deference unhooked? Anything. We’ll document it. No questions asked (ok, some questions asked). Think about it. Seriously.

Wouldn't normally link to something as highly trafficked as Yahoo, but this was just too good.

Doctor Slang
Plumbum oscillans is Latin for swinging the lead
UBI is unexplained beer injury
PAFO is pissed and fell over
ATFO is asked to fuck off
Code Brown refers to a faecal incontinence emergency.
DBI is dirtbag index. This is a formula which multiplies the number of tattoos on the patient's body by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total of days he has gone without a bath.
CTD is circling the drain
GPO is good for parts only
Rule of Five means that if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance.
GOK is for God only knows
FLK means funny looking kid
NFN signifies normal for Norfolk, a rural English county

Lasagnafarm adds its own
HS,WT? is holy shit, what is that
TFP is totally fuckable patient
GMC,I is get my coffee, intern
FP.SCETS! is famous person, someone call Entertainment Tonight, stat!
ITAWWAD is I thought Anna Wintour was already dead
PIDJDT is pretend I didn't just do that (often said when having to unsew a patient to retrieve a forgotten tool)
Rule of Doh! says that if a doctor does three things in a day that Homer Simpson would have done, he must submit to a barium enema