Nostalgia Bait: Lessons Learned From NYC in the 1980s

Quality-of-life crimes are the most fun.

As windshield-cleaning solvents go, there are worse choices than urine.

Muggings are just a city’s way of thinning the herd.

Nothing says, "get the fuck out of here" like "get the fuck out of here."

Compared to crackheads with box cutters, drunks with guns make pretty darn good party guests.

A beer can covered with a paper bag is just a soda.

Traffic tie-ups are just God’s way of saying "where do you think you’re going?"

Never buy pot from a white guy with a mustache, even if he’s wearing a hoodie.

When you wish upon a 2nd Avenue subway line, your dreams stay false.

Long Island is just God’s way of saying "your parents aren’t always right."

Interview with Ralph Nader’s Unconscious Mind

LF: Hi there, are you comfortable?

RN’sUM: Yessir. Thanks for the Red Bull. Is this the one DMX drinks, or am I thinking of something else?

LF: No idea. Anyway, about Ralph’s running for president, What gives? I thought the last election would have taught him a thing or two.

RN’sUM: Ralph believes unreservedly that the American public is ill-served by the two-party system, particularly as both parties continue to be utter vassals to corporate power.

LF: Vassals?

RN’sUM: Yeah, like slaves, handmaidens, lapdogs.

LF: Gotcha. But, what would you say to Democrats who feel your, i mean Ralph's, running will undermine their bid for the Presidency, thereby preventing the party from promoting an agenda that is comparable, or at least similar in temperament, to Ralph's?

RN’sUM: I’d try to explain it to them this way: What if you had two brothers, and your father gave each of them ten bucks a week to buy him whisky and cigarettes, even though every night he got stinking drunk and beat your mom and blew second-hand smoke into your little sister’s crib and threatened the neighbors with a rake. Would you draw any distinction between the brothers?

LF: Uh, I guess not.

RN’sUM: Now, what if one of those spoiled, worthless brothers started stealing money from your mother’s purse and giving it to your father, just so that bastard could continue paying him the ten bucks a week. That would be bad, right?

LF: Uh, ok. I think so. So the father represents corporate interes ...

RN’sUM: Follow along. And what if the other brother -- the one who, let's say, used to let you win at checkers -- was doing the same thing, only instead of stealing from your helpless mother, he was robbing old ladies on the street and taking their purses, just to get your drunk, scum-sucking father the money. What would you say to me then? Huh?

LF: Uh, I …

RN’sUM: And what if you tried and tried to keep your idiot, white trash father from beating your poor, sweet, feeble, never-hurt-nobody mother, but your asshole brothers were bigger then you, and they held you down and gave you purple nurples, and beat your head against the ground and punched you in the arm as hard as they could? Huh? How would you like it?

LF: I think we should maybe stop ...

RN’sUM: And what if while they held you down, your rat bastard, loser, crap-snorting, drunk-ass father came over and burned you with cigarettes on your privates, until you were screaming “uncle,” but he said, “did I say to say ‘uncle’ Ralphie? I did NOT say to say ‘uncle’ I said to say ‘king’ so fucking say it. SAY IT!” And you tried your hardest not to say “king,” but he kept burning and burning until you were screaming “KING! KING!” Smart ass? Mr. Lasagna? Mister stupid blog asshole, establishment wannabe? Huh? HUH?

LF: I really have to go. Thanks for stopping by.

RN’sUM: Yeah, stop here… oh god…