Newsbreak: Man's Attempt at Comeditization Ends in Failure
WHITE PLAINS, NY. FEBRUARY 20 –- A local man has given up his effort to distill into comedic statements the attemped takeover of The Walt Disney Company by cable giant, Comcast. The man, whose name has been withheld, ended his bid for comedy today after producing a disappointing list of gags: one involving Donald Duck swallowing a truckload of junk bonds; another of cable executives in polyester sport coats sodomizing Minnie Mouse; and a third, in a particularly awkward stab at irony, illustrating Disney CEO Michael Eisner tied across train tracks with coaxial cable, as a locomotive labeled “convergence” speeds past, decapitating him.
According to witnesses, the attempt, which occurred as the man was allegedly at work, spanned several hours of the morning, Thursday, and was accompanied by “almost superhuman” consumption of fully-caffeinated coffee and “copious amounts” of hazelnut-flavored non-dairy creamer. “He just wouldn’t stop,” one woman said. “He kept sending me these preposterous sentences by IM and asking my opinion, whether they were funny or not. None of them made any sense. I don’t even know what the hell 'coaxial' means.”
When asked if the man would be charged with a crime, a spokesperson for the White Plains police department told a reporter that he had no idea what [the reporter] was talking about and that [the reporter] would be arrested and charged with harassment if he called back. Repeated attempts to contact the man failed.
WHITE PLAINS, NY. FEBRUARY 20 –- A local man has given up his effort to distill into comedic statements the attemped takeover of The Walt Disney Company by cable giant, Comcast. The man, whose name has been withheld, ended his bid for comedy today after producing a disappointing list of gags: one involving Donald Duck swallowing a truckload of junk bonds; another of cable executives in polyester sport coats sodomizing Minnie Mouse; and a third, in a particularly awkward stab at irony, illustrating Disney CEO Michael Eisner tied across train tracks with coaxial cable, as a locomotive labeled “convergence” speeds past, decapitating him.
According to witnesses, the attempt, which occurred as the man was allegedly at work, spanned several hours of the morning, Thursday, and was accompanied by “almost superhuman” consumption of fully-caffeinated coffee and “copious amounts” of hazelnut-flavored non-dairy creamer. “He just wouldn’t stop,” one woman said. “He kept sending me these preposterous sentences by IM and asking my opinion, whether they were funny or not. None of them made any sense. I don’t even know what the hell 'coaxial' means.”
When asked if the man would be charged with a crime, a spokesperson for the White Plains police department told a reporter that he had no idea what [the reporter] was talking about and that [the reporter] would be arrested and charged with harassment if he called back. Repeated attempts to contact the man failed.
posted by Michael at 12:48 PM
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