Selected Sentences from This Article on the Upcoming Miss Freestone Pageant, From The Teague Chronicle of Freestone County, Texas



Allana's favorite movie is "Pretty Woman", and she enjoys tuna and crackers as a favorite snack.

Sponsoring Camille Banks is Aztec Lube and Tire.

"Meet the Parents" is a favorite movie of this green eyed, brown haired young lady who likes to snack on Wheat Thins.

Sponsors for Megan Conner are 3L General Contractors and Fairfield Farm and Ranch.

Kayla is already active in agriculture showing hogs and steers, and livestock judging. She loves shopping and favorite snacks are banana and peanut butter.

Favorite movies for this brown haired, green-eyed young lady are "The Patriot and Finding Nemo".

Brittnee also plans to try out with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and to dance on Broadway in New York.

She is sponsored this year by David Bugg Trucking, Lide Industries, Capps Hardware and Ag Center.

She says pickles are a favorite snack and "Hardball" is her favorite movie.

This blonde haired, brown-eyed young lady enjoys FFA, showing animals and dance.

Brown haired, brown-eyed Ikeisha plans to attend college, play a sport and major in kinesiology.

Rejected Sentences from My Failed Career as a Writer of Grammar Lesson Books

Wrong: As a teen prostitute from the Marshall Islands, my distaste for pineapple cast me in the light of suspicion.

Right: As a teen prostitute on the Marshall Islands, my distaste for pineapple cast me in the light of suspicion.

Wrong: “Take a walk on the wild side,” Herman said with a wink, “It’s not everyday you get to have sex with a Center Square.”

Right: “Take a walk on the wild side,” Herman said with a wink, “It’s not every day you get to have sex with a Center Square.”

Wrong: Doug was not at all happy with Susan’s choice of beverage, and that she farts in church.

Right: Doug was not at all happy with Susan’s choice of beverage, and that her dog farts in church.

Wrong: For years after the affair Ted would drive aimlessly for hours on end, hoping that, if only fate intervened, their paths would cross one last time.

Right: For years after the affair Ted would drive aimlessly for hours on end, hoping that, if only fate intervened, their paths would cross one last time. One day, they did. She was killed instantly.

To The Curb, and Step on It!

I don't know whether to be outraged or, er, hit myself with a non-stick pan. It seems that private club for NYC anglophiliacs, the Soho house, made poor Choioreieio [SIC] of Gawker an offer he couldn't refuse: Stop the goddamn gossip or vacate the wet room posthaste! We once had a reverie about taking Amanda Hearst on a zebra-skin throw rug, but was interupted by the sounds of screaming outside our window (don't ask). Now, without an insider to defer to, we will be forced to create a complex, false identity complete with Web sites, faux Swiss bank accounts, Helmut Lang knockoffs, and stolen credit cards to gain entrance to that institution. Too bad SH screams "over" louder than an acceptance letter from Radar. What am I talking about? Who the fuck cares.

Interview with the Farmer in the LasagnaFarm Logo

We hear you’re a farmer, what do you grow?

Schmuck, I grow nothing. I am a graphical element. I was created in Adobe Illustrator by some douchebag who was trying to avoid working. Even if I wanted to grow something, there’s no soil up here.

No need to get nasty, we’re all friends here. You sit astride a tractor. Is that a John Deere?

They tell me it’s supposed to be a 1938 International Harvester, like the one in the Wizard of Oz. John Deeres are for yuppie farmers and corporate flacks from ADM. Personally, I think it looks more like a train traveling over quicksand.

Where do you find the nerve, as a representational element yourself, to disparage other farmers as poseurs?

Excuse me? Here’s to you shutting the fuck up. Loser.

OK, OK, Take it easy.