FRENCH TO BUILD BEST FRYER EVER
Forest-dwelling scientists just want a little sun.

BRUISED AIR CARRIER NW PICKS ITS SCABS
Backbone-free workers to do the heavy lifting

GM INVITES EVERYONE IN USA TO COMPANY PICNIC
Adopt-an-SUV program skeptics remain

iROBOT TO MAKE YOUR WIFE OBSOLETE BY XMAS '05
Like her, company fails to make money.

KNOCK DOWN SYNDROME DETECTION PATENT IS LOOKING UP
9-inch needles for uterus insertion seek other uses

CALL-CENTER EMPLOYEES HATE THEIR JOBS EVEN IN INDIA
It's not all pound 6-9 jokes over there, people

WILL THE LAST LIGHT BULB LEAVE THE BUILDING?
Turn Off, Tune In, Lights Out

BENEFITS SOFTWARE AS PAINFUL AS SNAKE BITES
Third-party admins suffer "third-wheel on a date" syndrome

CONSUMER OPTIMISM SUFFERS HEAT STROKE
Gasoline Prices being held for questioning

GERMANY INVADES THE CZECH REPUBLIC
Sour Krauts have awful gas

GREENSPAN KEEPS BLINDER IN THE DARK: "ALAN IS A SUPER-DOUBLE NO-FUN SECRET-KEEPER"

CHINA, EU FACE-OFF IN SILVER DOLLAR NIPPLE SCARE
Topless holiday season could be a bust

CHEWY CENTER SPINNING FASTER THAN CRISPY CRUST
Earth could be an electric motor powering someone's Cuisinart.

RIP. BURN. PLAY DEAD.
D.V.D.S: F.U.B.A.R? C.P.R.? or R.I.P.

THE NATION'S FEW REMAINING JOBLESS WONDER WHY GOD HATES THEM
Labor Department statistician, soon out of work

MOODY'S TO GM AND FORD: "TOO MUCH JUNK IN THE TRUNK"
Unions face a trim-job

NOT EVEN ALL THE CHEAP LABOR IN CHINA CAN "FIX" KODAK
That "fix" thing is a pre-digi cam joke.

NO VNEWS IS GOOD VNU
Berger and Van Schaik do the Haarlem-to-Harlem Shuffle

BUY YOURSELF A WET DREAM: SIX FLAGS FOR SALE

YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION PROBABLY SITS RIGHT NEXT TO W.O.P.A.R.

HDTV X-RAYS BURN UP THE MARKET, POSSESS HEALING POWERS
Wife's injured finger points to chip industry boom

RADLER THE RAT - I'M GUILTY!
Dickhead faces hard 35 for investor fraud

Coins in the U.K. are manufactured from a copper-nickel alloy known as cupronickel.
Other possible as-yet-un-"coined" alloy monikors:
vanaconium -- zirconium + vanadium
bosley -- barium + osmium + lead + antimony
beast -- beryllium + silver + thallium
penis -- platinum + molybdenium + steel

FUTON FIGHTERS
Futon Life Online is an amazingly detailed and well-written site about futons. I was tempted to think it was a work of Hodgmanian proportions but it's not. (Well in one way it is...but now I'm just blurring the line between scientifically-proven facts and their opposite: truth.) I suggest browsing through The Futon Primer sections. I especially enjoyed the one on WOOD: Nature's Best Building Material. I'll never be able to pass out in front of the television with burrito stains on my shirt in the same way again.

N-Y-H-C on I-M
Lasagnafarm: IN MY BED, CRASHED OUT
Krucoff: SLICED UP SKIN THRASHED OUT?
Lasagnafarm: YEP