Dubious Milestones in the UN’s Beleaguered Oil for Food Program in Iraq

LasagnaFarm’s investigation into allegations of corruption within the UN’s Oil for Food program in Iraq will shock even the most jaded armchair geopolitical enthusiasts. Despite investigators’ having no real interest in affairs of the state, no training in humanitarian aid studies or the global oil business, no facility with Arabic, and being under extreme deadline pressure amid threats of butchery and humiliation by LasagnaFarm editors, they nonetheless found considerable evidence of corruption and exploitation throughout the program’s history.

1995: The "Mukhabarat Children’s Hospital" uses oil vouchers to purchase 100,000 bottles of over-the-counter cold medication from an unnamed Russian company. Although the orders, invoiced as "AK-47 brand Kalishna Cough semi-automatic medicine," are delivered, the number of bronchitis cases among children fails to decline.

1999: Amid much IPO fanfare, Iraqoil.com raises nearly $9.2 billion on its first day of trading. Saddam builds a palace in the new “Silicon Fertile Crescent” neighborhood outside Baghdad and acquires six Porsche Carreras. Most of the company’s value is lost three years later, however, when share prices plunge from $280 to $0.68 on reports of mass murder, widespread torture, and overly aggressive accounting practices. Later, in a phone conversation with Internet analyst, Henry Blodget, Saddam reportedly cries: "I said we’re category killers."

2001: By doctoring bills of sale, The Iraqi Oil Ministry was allowed to barter 50,000 barrels of crude oil for tickets to see The Strokes at Hammerstein Ballroom in NYC. Saddam, however, flies into a rage after reading an article in Mojo magazine calling the band "another bloody overrated gaggle of J.J. Cale never-have-beens." Sons Uday and Quisnos attend the concert in his stead.

2-Minute Photoshop Joke

Gay or Lasagna

• Seeking rights of marriage / "mozzarella" embarassing to pronounce when dining with friends
  
• Community affected by life-threatening disease / leading cause of cardiac arrest among retired Con Ed workers
  
• Fringe sub-group clad in leather bondage gear / fringes clad in ricotta and marinara sauce
  
• Impeccable taste in clothes, shoes, and home furnishings / ruining silk ties and white carpeting since 1915
  
• Catholic church considers lifestyle to be sinful / often causes hungry priests to overlook gluttony as a deadly sin
  
• Thought to have been created by doting, overly attentive mothers / thought to have been created by doting, overly attentive mothers
  

America’s Lowest-Paid CEO

A recent report by the Wall Street Journal revealed which of America’s CEOs earn the most. LasagnaFarm reports on which CEO earns the least.

Stephenson J. Cartwright IV, CEO, Earthgrass Recordings -- $11,250/yr. Steve Cartwright, 37, who has held the top spot at Saugerties, NY-based Earthgrass Recordings since 1989, is one music mogul who knows which chakra goes with fish. Earthgrass, an independent record label that, Cartwright says, “promotes joyful, life-affirming, eco-aware music, with world-beat roots and compassionate, progressive sensibilities,” is home to such artists as Bruce Witherspoon, a self-described “natural zitherist,” and Karen Silverberg, a folk musician who interprets traditional Uzbek folk tales for lute and harpsichord.

Cartwright, who, according to Silverberg, is a “tireless advocate for musicians who blossom outside the mainstream,” performs all of the label’s A&R and business-development functions himself, spending most days scouting talent and seeking distribution deals. One such deal, with Ted’s Natural Foods and Juicery, a retail establishment in New Paltz, NY, boosted Earthgrass’s 2002 revenues by nearly 3% alone. “Cartwright is definitely doing his own thing on his own time,” Ted Smith, owner of Ted’s, said. “No other label out there would even go near producing these 'Natural Zither' CDs, which a couple of our customers really enjoy.”

Cartwright also manages the Earthgrass staff, consisting of two interns, both students at the nearby Academy for an Open-Minded, Inclusive and Compassionate Holistic Lifestyle, who handle most of the day-to-day responsibilities for running the label, and a cleaning woman who comes in once a month. “Steve is such a world-wise soul,” said Phyllis Darnell, one of the interns. “He is so present for the earth and all of its irrepressible bounty that you could cry. He is a virtual shaman as well as a possessor of the third eye. A renaissance man of mythological proportion. Insensitive commercialism is just not in his purview.”

Some detractors, however, say Cartwright's lack of commercial focus may serve to undermine the company's aesthetic and professional aspirations. "I can't believe anyone actually buys that horseshit," said Norman Falstock, Cartwright's landlord, to whom the company has been in arrears several times during the past year. "He was playing me one of his CDs yesterday and it sounded like horses dragging an old piano down the road. It is just the worst crap imaginable."

Earthgrass reported total revenues in 2003 of nearly $1,500, most of which was generated by the winnings from a scratch-off lottery ticket in the third quarter. Cartwright's corporate compensation package included a salary of $250 as well as stock options worth in excess of 8lbs of gluten-free spelt flour from a local food co-op. Cartwright admitted that most of his personal income, which topped $11,000 that year, was mainly paid by interest earned on a small inheritance received from his late grandfather, Stephenson J. Cartwright, Jr., who died in 1988. “What can I say,” Cartwright said, “We serve a higher calling than that of the marketplace, that is, the great, nurturing Earth Mother.”