Big Brother or Big Bother?

Internet conspiracy theorists from 134.976.123.34 all the way to 243.353.193.57 (you didn't know we did IP humor, did you?) are all looking to the US Government for answers regarding the apparent microwave-induced explosiveness of the new US $20 bill. The investigative team at LasagnaFarm has snooped, poked and admired nude photos of a youngish Gina Gershon, and found that the early fears of many Net theorists are unfounded.

The US government is not using an RFID chip implanted under Thomas Jefferson's right eye to track the whereabouts of every bill and its bearer, as deduced by many theorists. Rather, the bills in question actually contain a microscopic speaker embedded between paper layers, from which eminates an ear-piercing scream that can be heard only by the blind. The Farm uncovered this initiative, launched by the US Department of the Treasury as an attempt to prevent the blind from being unknowingly swindled by unscrupulous shopkeepers, ATM misfires, and three-card-monty ringleaders.

"Members of the blind community have remarkably acute hearing," a Department report noted. "The sound will give them the piece of mind to spend their money, hard-earned from selling pencils and whatnot, without fear of being hoodwinked." Several blind citizens have complained about the racket, saying it is "driving them fucking batshit" and they are calling on the government to "knock it the fuck off."