HOLY SHIT, AUDIENCE. IT'S A NEWSFLASH!!!

Martha Stewart was convicted today on all 7.8 million counts of heinously infusing a discount dry goods retailer with cosmopolitian-looking fixtures and bedsheets, thus providing the appearance of good taste among consumers who, up until 1998, had used the same Victorian-flourish-in-cream-colored-plastic toilet paper holders for 13 years. Stewart faces life without the possibility of poverty. Details at 711.