Timeline of Notable Changes in Corporate Policy Resulting from Janet Jackson Breast Incident
Day 1: CBS executives apologize for the incident, blaming MTV, Janet Jackson, and Justin Timberlake for changing the half-time show’s theme from the CBS-sanctioned “A Salute to Victorian-era Corsetry” to “a kind of mischief only Satan himself could abide.”
Day 2: The FCC returns to its 1934 position on nudity: that seeing people naked causes lunacy in men and blind, shrieking hysteria in women. Exorcisms are encouraged to rid the airwaves of evil.
Day 3: Hooters fires waitresses and replaces them with out-of-work investment banking executives. Women must wear burqas, though men can continue wearing their Hickey Freeman suits.
Day 4: The Owen Wilson movie, “The Big Bounce” renamed, “The Noteworthy Repercussion.” Russ Meyer is hung in effigy.
Day 5: The Purdue company begins using the term “chicken thoraxes” to describe its white-meat portions. Udders are removed from illustrations in the children’s book “The Cow That Went Oink,” and replaced with cans of condensed milk. Farmers use can openers for milking.
Day 6: Victoria’s Secret stores from Maine to California are set aflame by torch-wielding mobs. Tyra Banks is hung in effigy. A woman is stabbed to death for showing her sprained ankle to an EMS worker.
Day 7: The Apocalypse. CBS’s ratings go through the roof when the rivers run with blood. Dan Rather is killed and eaten by locusts. Breasts rain from the sky instead of frogs.
Day 1: CBS executives apologize for the incident, blaming MTV, Janet Jackson, and Justin Timberlake for changing the half-time show’s theme from the CBS-sanctioned “A Salute to Victorian-era Corsetry” to “a kind of mischief only Satan himself could abide.”
Day 2: The FCC returns to its 1934 position on nudity: that seeing people naked causes lunacy in men and blind, shrieking hysteria in women. Exorcisms are encouraged to rid the airwaves of evil.
Day 3: Hooters fires waitresses and replaces them with out-of-work investment banking executives. Women must wear burqas, though men can continue wearing their Hickey Freeman suits.
Day 4: The Owen Wilson movie, “The Big Bounce” renamed, “The Noteworthy Repercussion.” Russ Meyer is hung in effigy.
Day 5: The Purdue company begins using the term “chicken thoraxes” to describe its white-meat portions. Udders are removed from illustrations in the children’s book “The Cow That Went Oink,” and replaced with cans of condensed milk. Farmers use can openers for milking.
Day 6: Victoria’s Secret stores from Maine to California are set aflame by torch-wielding mobs. Tyra Banks is hung in effigy. A woman is stabbed to death for showing her sprained ankle to an EMS worker.
Day 7: The Apocalypse. CBS’s ratings go through the roof when the rivers run with blood. Dan Rather is killed and eaten by locusts. Breasts rain from the sky instead of frogs.
posted by Michael at 3:25 PM
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