INTERVIEW WITH A YOUNG MANHATTANITE LEFT DIGITALLY MUTE BY THE BLACKOUT OF 2003
Q: We hear the power's out? That true?
YM: Hells yeah. It's darker than Mike Ovitz's soul here.
Q: But it's day.
YM: True, but I have no coffee.
Q: Ah. So how does it feel not to be in contact with the outside world via digital means?
YM: It sucks. I have just 45 minutes of power on my laptop. And I have much to say about this event. It's not every day that man's technological achievements betray him like a wet shopping bag full of canned goods. Look at us. How do we spend our days? Baiting Gawker for links to our inane posts about silly New Yorkers, traversing the city in search of celebrities to report the whereabouts of, dining out at Wylie D.'s latest ca-ching, pouring copious amounts of fermented vegetables down our gullets? What good are we as people when we can't walk a hundred-and-fifty blocks without heatstroke? I don't even recognize myself anymore. We would be next to useless in the event of an apocalypse.
Q: Take it easy. You're hysterical.
YM: Coffee. C'mon, bring me some. I have a battery-powered TV and all I can get on it is talking heads going on about how there's no power. I'll bet they're killing in the ratings. Must have a 7 share. "Hey Bob, we're number one among hermits 25 to 49 with exersize-bike generators." Imbiciles.
Q: Have you followed Mayor Bloomberg’s instructions? Have you been drinking enough water? Checking on the elderly?
YM: Yes, yes. Mrs. Abramowitz is fine, Mrs. LaMorca says I’m too thin, and Mr. Nelson recommends Metamucil over "that crap Dr. Adler gives me." I’m so hydrated, kids in the street are trying to open me up with a monkey wrench.
Q: We know you're pissed. What will you do now?
YM: I will pack a bag and head for the hinterlands. I will make like Pete Seeger and sing a ballad for our lost electric blanket. I will shower in the tears of 10 million broken hearts. I will sing the booty electric. I will sail the first canoe I can procure to a land where coffee flows freely and people don't need junk-bond investments in infrastructure to make it through the day. I will take a venti latte, half-caf...
Q: We hear the power's out? That true?
YM: Hells yeah. It's darker than Mike Ovitz's soul here.
Q: But it's day.
YM: True, but I have no coffee.
Q: Ah. So how does it feel not to be in contact with the outside world via digital means?
YM: It sucks. I have just 45 minutes of power on my laptop. And I have much to say about this event. It's not every day that man's technological achievements betray him like a wet shopping bag full of canned goods. Look at us. How do we spend our days? Baiting Gawker for links to our inane posts about silly New Yorkers, traversing the city in search of celebrities to report the whereabouts of, dining out at Wylie D.'s latest ca-ching, pouring copious amounts of fermented vegetables down our gullets? What good are we as people when we can't walk a hundred-and-fifty blocks without heatstroke? I don't even recognize myself anymore. We would be next to useless in the event of an apocalypse.
Q: Take it easy. You're hysterical.
YM: Coffee. C'mon, bring me some. I have a battery-powered TV and all I can get on it is talking heads going on about how there's no power. I'll bet they're killing in the ratings. Must have a 7 share. "Hey Bob, we're number one among hermits 25 to 49 with exersize-bike generators." Imbiciles.
Q: Have you followed Mayor Bloomberg’s instructions? Have you been drinking enough water? Checking on the elderly?
YM: Yes, yes. Mrs. Abramowitz is fine, Mrs. LaMorca says I’m too thin, and Mr. Nelson recommends Metamucil over "that crap Dr. Adler gives me." I’m so hydrated, kids in the street are trying to open me up with a monkey wrench.
Q: We know you're pissed. What will you do now?
YM: I will pack a bag and head for the hinterlands. I will make like Pete Seeger and sing a ballad for our lost electric blanket. I will shower in the tears of 10 million broken hearts. I will sing the booty electric. I will sail the first canoe I can procure to a land where coffee flows freely and people don't need junk-bond investments in infrastructure to make it through the day. I will take a venti latte, half-caf...
posted by Michael at 10:49 AM
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