Accounting for Slackers: Is a Bachelor’s Degree Worth the Money?

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics found that, over the course of an average career, an individual with a bachelor's degree would earn $376,000 more than someone with an associate's degree. Sounds like a good enough reason to trade up from Barstow community college to Chico State, no? But is it really worth it? Lets take a closer look at the figures.

Right off the top, deduct an average of 25 grand for the extra years, including tuition, room and board, books, bus tickets, concert tickets, drinking-in-public tickets, bribing the Cancun police to unchain your roommate from Pedro el Executioner, penicillin, clean sheets, and keg replacement fees. (Add a few more thousand for a private college, the six-year plan, or an upgrade to top Ramen from the regular kind.) Ok, say 50 grand total. That leaves $326,000.

In addition, deduct for each of the following:

$1,000
D Average
Acquired alcohol/marijuana habit
Investing profits from hemp lanyard sales in Enron stock.

$5,000
Acquired ecstasy/ketamine habit
Date rape arrest
Legal fees regarding topless photo on "Girls Gone Wild in Wildwood, NJ" packaging.
Liberal arts major

$250,000
Acquired heroin habit
Date rape conviction
Keeping the baby
English major

Add $1,000,000
Phi Beta Kappa Key
Young Entrepreneurs Club membership
MBA degree
Plagiarism (Journalism majors only)


Not counting the above pitfalls, and assuming the average career is around 40 years long, that amounts to an extra $8,150 a year for the bachelor’s degree holder. That’s not too bad, depending on whether or not one’s expectations reach higher than Michael J. Anderson’s fedora. Oh, and while we’re at it, don’t forget to deduct 40% for income tax, FICA, and state and local taxes, which leaves $4,980 a year, or approximately $14 per day, barely enough for a room on the methadone-free wing at the local YMCA.

It’s better than nothing, that extra 14 bucks a day, right? Oh, better not die, or you forfeit it all.