INTERVIEW WITH AN EDITOR WHO HAS BEEN TOLD TO "KILL ALL JARGON AND BUZZ WORDS"

Q: Which buzz words and jargon have you been told to kill on site?

A: Oh my, where to begin. For one thing, we are no longer allowed to refer to going online as "surfing the web." We are now only to say "stroking the e-weasel," which management feels describes the activity with greater nuance. Also, we are forbidden to use "monitize," which refers to making money. One alternative suggested was "stealitize," which seems to be more accurate, at least among many companies these days.

Q: How do your writers handle it when you strike their words willy-nilly?

A: Writers, being on the autistic side of retardation, usually are very protective of their "children," as they like to refer to their precious words. This is why editors use red ink, it simulates genocide without actually having to kill anyone to prove who's the boss of them.

Q: How do you feel about lemonized (I just made that
up)? Would you strike that?

A; If that word showed up in one of those bullshit business or technology rags, I would cut it down like the abomination it is. Though I do like a nice lemon-infused gin martini.

Q: Do you feel that you are stunting the growth of the English language?

A: Would one allow a child with a thyroid condition to grow into a monster fit for Guinness Book of World Records before reaching kindergarten? Some growth must be stopped cold. Such is my job.

Q: Why are you a fascist? Please defend yourself.

A: I am a proponent of order. I want the trains to run on time, the Hooters chicks to remain busty, sandwiches to remain free of errant lettuces, and the English language to remain readable. Call me Franco American.