AN INTERVIEW WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS ORIGINALLY FROM CONNECTICUT BUT NOW LIVES SOMEWHERE ELSE, JUST LIKE ANN COULTER, CONSERVATIVE AUTHOR, AGITATOR

We hear you're from Connecticut, is that true?

Patently. Connecticut, or CT, as we nutmeggers refer to it, is home also to luminaries such as my mother and father. They settled there in 1972, hoping to find a hospital environs for their children to grow and flower in. Needlesstosay, there was little growing done, except for a small plant or two of marijuana that my brother and I could keep far enough from the air vents in the attic so as not to get the dog stoned.

Is that anywhere near New Canaan, hometown of Ann Coulter, author and conservative liberal-baiter?

CT is very near New Canaan. While New Canaan seceded from the rest of the state in 1972, it was unable to sprout legs and walk toward eighteenth century England, to which it more closely resembles.

What sort of folks live there?

The sort of folks who live in CT are the sort of folks who would be designing cooking aprons or stencil patterns if they weren't busy paying for their children's private-school education. Or if they had talent. Their gods are Mssrs. Sherwin and Williams, and they idolize the families on "Trading Spaces," though they themselves would never let Verne into their homes. The northwestern corner is populated mostly by men who construct tall bundles of sticks. Yes, it perplexes the rest of the state, too. We don't talk about the mermaids who wreak havoc on the coastal areas.

Do you play polo?

I luge. CT is home to some of the finest lugers. The lugers there are unparalleled for their fearlessness and gaunt, pale frames. However, we do come in contact with many of the polo set, as our clubhouse is located under their bleachers. Many polo fans smoke fat cigars that invariably burn holes in Gore-tex.

Do you find Ann Coulter "slinky"?

Not only is Ms. Coulter slinky, she is a scenic drive on a costal highway; a drip of ice cream on a fair child's tongue; the curled lip of a breaking blue wave; the sound of money well spent; and translucent -- in a good way.

Have you ever been blacklisted?

I was. And I will make good on my vow to get even with the Brat Pack.