Ask Cronos: Election-Year Edition

Ask Cronos: Election-Year Edition




Dear Cronos,

I am of Conservative political views and my husband, Rick, is a registered Democrat. In the past, we never argued about politics, but this being a Presidential election year -- our first as a couple (we just celebrated our two-year anniversary) -- tempers have been running pretty high in our household. Just this week, Rick put up a poster of Michael Moore in our den, with a banner he printed on his computer that reads, “Take that, you fascist slut.” In response, I took his good shirts out back and threw them into the cesspool, along with his commemorative 1969 Mets beer tray, which he loves. Then, Rick dunked my head right into the upstairs toilet, saying, “Lets see William F. Buckley get you out of this one, you Saudi oil-guzzling skank.” How can we make it through this difficult election year and stay together?

Pat Jennings
St. Louis, MO


Dear Ms. Jennings,

Politics is a wicked whoremaster, one who doth remit its brutal wrath in the blood of pathetic wards like yourself and this husband “Rick” of whom you speak. The contempt of Cronos for those, like yourselves, who suckle at the teat of authority is venomous and unceasing, which brings to mind a lyric from Cronos’ 1981 recording "Welcome To Hell," featuring his noble Venom bandmates, Mantas and Abaddon, fiery purveyors of guitar and drums:

Fight, we will fight right,
Living low in a world of our own,
Destined to live right, fight,
We're taking hell as our home,
Burning lives burning,
Asking me for the mercy of god,
Ancient cries crying,
Acting fast upon the way of the dog,

Welcome to hell,
Welcome to hell,
Welcome to hell,
Welcome to hell.

Welcome to hell, indeed, Ms. Jennings. May the dark lord cast your soul, and that of Rick, in fire. May you be torn asunder, your bones turned to cinder, as the evil king's caldron of flame renders your corpses unto the mighty forces of the netherworld. Bah.


Regards,

Cronos


Previously on Ask Cronos